Hold on!... What was that?!
Last week was absolutely hellish for me mentally BUT according to my social media it was also terrible for loads of folk. What happened?! I don't really have an actual answer for that but maintaining my wee "diary" actually helped me track when I went from feeling low to feeling like I'd hit rock bottom and it happened in a flash! One minute I'm working away, replying to emails and trying to work out how to best utilise both Zoom and Teams for running Drama classes then come Wednesday I'm having a complete breakdown as I rode the wee conveyor belt up to Tesco because I'm a fraud and have no place in the industry and I'm (to quote my diary) "unwanted/less than/useless". It was rough but I do give myself a wee pat on the back for still doing my yoga every day and not missing my various meetings and I even managed to get a teeny tiny bit of v/o work booked too.
The thing it highlighted the most for me though was how difficult it is to be open and honest about your mental health to your peers and colleagues when you are just starting out in the industry. I want it to be as normalised as possible but I still find myself hiding it because I don't want to be seen as unreliable or "not cut out" for work in the arts, especially at a time where the work is scarce and its hard to reach out because you feel like you are putting a lot of pressure on the person you reach out too, becoming some kind of burden to them and then those thoughts combine with the other thoughts already plaguing your mind and you shut down. This happens to me frequently and last week I realised that I couldn't control it myself anymore and so I called my doctor and was put back on anti-depressants. Before I would have seen this as a very negative thing but over the years I've spoke with a number of people about it and I know better now. It is a positive step forward and I feel more positive now. Very sleepy. But Positive.