I don't know what I'm doing...
I have had an idea for a set of three plays that I've wanted to work on for the past three years. But every time I sit down to seriously work on them I panic and grab hold of the first excuse I can find to set it all aside and focus on something else. Well not anymore (she says boldly knowing fine well she has done nothing over the past week other than announce to no one in particular that she will be doing it). I mean nothing has changed, I still have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. I'm not the smartest cookie in the box, my acting "career" isn't even a thing and I have absolutely nothing to back up why I feel I can even accomplish what I'm setting out to do. I just know that for three years these plays have never gone away, they have always been there and at random moments throughout those years I've been taking notes about them on my phone, as if very slowly so as not to startle myself, I've began working them out. So that has to mean something right? RIGHT?!
Anyway, I thought a wee weekly blog might help to keep me on track because then I'd have a bunch of people to hold me accountable if I run away from this project in fear again. I also just wanted to give an honest account of what it looks like to be an actor trying to live and work because most of the time all we see is the bright happy moments of our fellow artists lives, everything has this lovely sheen of joy and success so we assume that things just must be so much easier for them when in reality it could be a very lonely and painful time with a lot of self doubt and very little self love. I remember sitting down with a successful Director not long after leaving College and I asked him "At what point did you feel like you knew what you were doing?" and his reply was that "You will never feel like you know what you are doing." Well dear reader, he was right.